***UCI to adopt new categories within pro ranks.

After reading Sly and Art O's respective blogs, I have come up with a new rating system within the UCI based on how much doping each athlete partakes in. There are 5 Categories and each athlete may enter any race. But depending on the race, there will always be handicaps (like golf) where the highest category dopers- Cat A's may start, for example, 45 min's after the Cat E's, but only 15 min's after the Cat B's. So with no further a-due, here is how a mountain stage in the Vuelta could look like next year, with Phil, Paul and Bob commentating...Oh but first...

To set the new UCI rules up- first a little breakdown of how it works.

Cat A- unlimited doping before, during and after the race, anything goes.
Cat B- some constistant doping, but these aren't the fastest guys, so why invest.
Cat C- little doping, these are the has been's or never been's, so they get the left over, outdated stuff.
Cat D- No doping, new guys who are being evaluated for potential, either won't ever dope (Saints) , OR probably will eventually dope (Sinners), these guys can be tested up to 12 times per day at anytime!
Cat E- Don't even know that there are dopers , very new to the sport.
Cat X- Experimental- riders may have placebo's or product's that have only been tested on, or from, animals or plants. Cat X will ride with the A's

So, before we go to the action on today's 156 km mountain stage of the Veulta- here are the handicaps. Cat E's will start 1hr and 20 minutes in front of the A's, Cat D's- 1hr 10. Cat C's-45 minutes, Cat B's-22.5 min's. Cat F's will then start with the A's.

One really ironic thing today every racer in each category actually has a last name starting with the same letter as his category. Hence, Aki is Cat A, and Earkle is Cat E.

... now to the commentary with Phil, Paul and Bob.

Phil (ph)- ok we are ready to start... today we have only 3 racers in category E... they are J. Earkle representing Greenland, L. Eumba from East Cameroon and R.
Estovk from Bosnia who seems pretty calm not even on his bike yet...

BANG! (the starters gun)

Paul (pl) and they're off, holy Jesus! Estovk is flooring it, I have never seen someone take off like that from the gun... Bob (b) do ya think he knows it's 100 miles. I think this might be his first race, let's look it up. (ph) look, Estovk is not even clipped in, he looks terrified... pan in closer... he isn't clipped in, but he looks scared... what's up with this guy? (b) well it says he grew up in a war zone, no TV... poor family... (pl) that's gotta be it, all the Cat E riders generally are from poorer countries with no TV's, or else they might have a clue regarding the "juice thing." (ph) yeah I think he might have a PTSD problem, the guy is flying... (b) how 'bout Earkle and Eumba right on his wheel...if these guys can keep the pace...

10 mins later...

(ph) the Cat D's are 28 strong and ready to start, we have the no-doping division here... and Dorn, Dunff, Deede and Doneti who are the UCI division Cat D leaders to date... and they are off. (b) this pace is a bit better off of the gun, these are savvy and clean riders... I like these guys... (pl) hey... back to the E's, my man Estovk is still pounding at about 130rpms, he has some serious leg speed!... in 20 minutes they have already covered 18km in hilly and hot terrain... that's averaging over 30mph. (b) but Eumba and Earkle are struggling to stay on, pedalin' some serious squares... I think there dyin' out... I have no idea why they are trying to stay with Estovk who is obviously been spooked by the starters gun...(ph)probably because these guys have no clue...(pl) certainly looks that way, but it is rather interesting to watch...

45 mins later...Start of the C's- (p) this is an entertaining group, you never know who is going to get the good stuff today. (b) yeah sometimes it's outdated or junk or whatever scraps these guys can find to hopefully increase there performance...
(pl) with that, there are NO consistant leaders, recently though, the Italian's Creti and Cressendo are looking good, and how about Cartez from Spain and Canzeldez from Colombia, I really think each of these guys has found a good source...and they are off... (ph) back to the D's- Dorn is leading the pack and they just passed Earkle and Eumba like they were standing still, those Cat E's are going to have a long day in the saddle... (b) but how 'bout Estovk, he is still screaming... we have him extending his margin over the D's (pl) he is riding like a man posessed!.. and he still hasn't clipped in... reminds me of a young man who went by the initals of E.M...

1hr and 20 minutes later... (ph) looks like we missed the start of the B flight but we now have the heavy hitters... the Cat A's... (pl) we have really seen some fantastic riding from these super dopers! (b) yeah that Alpe D'Huez TT stage where the Chinese rider A. Auuan just crushed it in 34 minutes, beating Lance's best by 5 minutes...(pl) that's just simply a commitment to excellence from the Chinese, these rising stars have powerful goverment backing, not only getting the riders the most potent stuff, but to dose it spot on when they need it...(ph) yeah and you can't forget the resurgence of the East German's with Audmilsch and Aurlicht, as well as the super strong Soviet team represented by none other than a Mr. H. Aupslkv...(b) wha? East Germany? since when... (pl) since doping came back... it's now 43% of the countries GDP... (b) wow! (pl) and don't forget the X'ers esp. Xavier and Xene we have the special scoop on these guys, we know what they are on... and they are off...

15 minutes later- Estovk is at km 96 in one hour and 35 min's, we have been told that this is the fastest split time ever in this stage, at that point...

(pl)The Cat A's are just flying... they are already only a few minutes behind the B's...and hold on, there is a crash...there is a pile up...(b) no it's a brawl... Audmilsch, Aurlicht and about 10 other's are pummeling Earkle and Eumba... blood is everywhere... (ph) that's a nasty side effect of the stimulents and steroids mixed together... Earkle and Eumba must have gotten in the way or slowed the peleton down a bit too much...(b) yeah Phil, road rage to the max... we sure have seen a lot of that this year... but I think the fans really liked it during the Giro... then again only nine guys finished...

10 minutes later... Estovk at km 99 decending fast....(ph) hold it, look he has a flat... and in the Cat E's, they have no wheel car's... (pl) he must be going 95km/hr on his rims, sparks are flying everywhere... (b) he's still not clipped in... he just flew off the road, I hope he's ok...that looked nasty...

22 minutes later... (ph) the A's are back at pace and have passed the B's, only one B remains in with the A's, it's number 341, Keith Best the American from Wyoming... he looks good...(b) the rest of the B's are not looking good at all, at this point in the season, it appears as if the big teams are putting all of their doping money on the big boy's and nothing is left for the B's.

(pl) It looks like the D's are in a group 10 minutes behind the A's, and 5 minutes behind the B's. But Dorn is still pulling the group, I think he has pulled the whole time...(b) he is tough!

(ph) let's talk about the X's for a minute. The teams were nice enough to give us some insight as to what they are on... Xavier doesn't know it, but he has been injected with Northern Atlantic fish isotopes... the Argian Fish, these fish can live out of water for 3 hours at a time, they actually mate with Ferrets to produce the unique Gymnate Aqua Bats of Prince Edward Island... (b) no kidding! (ph) so the hope is that the injection will not only increase his VO2 max by almost a whooping 100%, but also his skin will become oily and repel water and heat... but the side effects are nasty... hallucinations and a sardine scent (b) that can't be good... (ph) and Xene is taking an oral supplement from the root of a Zbwee tree, found only in the Uganda hills, that is supposed to make someone so alert mentally, that he can overcome physical demands like a hard bike race, day after day... no side effects to note so far.

(pl) Oh, they have stopped the D's, they are all getting drug tested by WADA... this is not good, it has just killed the D's results all year, sometimes getting tested 3 times in a race. (ph) but look at the savvy Dorn, he is having a well placed natural break at the same time... and getting some fluids on board...(ph) he is the consumate professional always multi tasking!

25 minutes later-(pl) still haven't seen Estovk, no there he is... he is back on his bike and apparently he has used tree leaves in his tires, and fastended them with small bush roots... this guy just wont quit (b) he still looks terrified...

(ph) Dorn has gone!... he is TTing at a blistering pace, what lovely form... he has separated from the D's and has passed some of the C's... and Best is attacking the B's solo too, what a race!...(b) I think Best, the American is going to catch the A's, and that Dorn is something special, clean and everything... looks like Estovk is with the A's now at km 101... it is all hard climbs for the next 55km, and some of these hit 22%... hold it, another crash, 25 people are down... (pl) no Bob it looks like Xavier, the fish man is in a brawl with three Russians A riders, and Estovk... let's get some audio with our man Davis Phinney, who is at the action, (dp)-Estovk and Aupslev the Russian are pounding on Xavier who is crying, no...its an oily substance coming out of his eyes... he really smells... I think they can't stand it anymore, these three will be kicked out of the race on this one, esp. with the red flag being flown with the earlier fight... yeah the officals are handcuffing them, they are DQ'ed... too bad, that Estovk was a stud and I wanted to see what Xavier co... hold it! Xavier has slithered out of the cuffs he is off chasing the group... a renegade rider, his placing will not count but it is kind of interesting...hold it Estovk just body slammed the paddy, he's back on too... wow!

15kms later, (ph) Dorn who caught the group is now off the front with a two minute lead... for a clean guy...he is really digging deep into the closet of courage with this one...oh no, another drug test! They have stopped him, he is mad this time... they are flying his sample to a lab in a copter... this can't be good, and he is off again, that was quick, and he still has a minute lead!...(b) hold on Xavier has attacked of the front also, the peleton seems to be slowing...his VO2 max must be really kicking in... that experimental stuff is probably good to go.... and the Chinese are now attacking, all of them pacing Auaan, and here comes the Chinese team car, they are hooking an IV into Auaan's left arm... trying desperately to get more electrolytes in him... (b) that is legal...but he can't hold onto the car when doing so... in fact the Chinese have perfected this using doctors who are also former olympic gymnasts to inject on the fly.. mad skills...

5 kms later (pl) they are placing another IV in Auaan's arm... hope it doesn't get caught in his spokes... (ph) there goes Best the yank, hard off of the back of the Chinese pace line, he doesn't see Auaan's IV... man it is tangled between both of them, Auaan went down hard... his teammates are beside themselves trying to untangle him... (b) the East German Audmilsch is down, it looks like a heart attack, they are placing electrical pads on him...this happened at the Tour de Swiss, and he ended up winning... third shocks a charm, he's back on the bike... they will give him a morphine drip then steady slow doses of amphetamines to get him back to speed... pretty standard these days...should not pose a problem (pl) Estovk is down!...looks like he is spent, being an E.. his day is done...what a true sportsman in every sense, too bad he is an E. The Russians are back, but the team doctors are giving them plenty of little helpers...

(ph) another A, the Spanish rider Adzolez is really bad off, green stuff is coming out of his ears... that's got to be a bad reaction...the coaches are kicking him to no avail, yelling venga, venga, venga... Adzolez' day is over...(b) Xene is back, he just took Adzolez' bike!... remember he is the one on he root toddy to keep him alert, it looks good for him now, with only Xavier, Dorn and Best in front, and the peleton not within whiff range of Xavier...(pl) look at the Heli, it's back, a gent is hanging from a rope...yelling "you're out doper!" at Dorn... Dorn keeps on going... they just threw a net spot on... got him...they are pulling Dorn and his bike high in the air...and out of sight into the mountains... that is the first time a tested clean rider has had a positive test all season, mark him BS for Big Sinner, he's out...what a scandal for Dorn the WADA is not going to be kind to him...being that he is an anti-doper poser and all...

(pl) 5 kms to go and it is steep. Best is leading Xavier with Xene the alert one 7 seconds behind....hold it, Xene is taking the steepest part of the switch back into the wind... (b) smart move from a cagy rider to get out of the scent stream of Xavier... (pl) Xene passed Xavier, hold it, he is saying something to Xavier... audio please "hey it's just a bad trip man" "look at the pretty color" "is it fire" ... and Xene just took a red powder packet out of his pocket... and threw it in the air in front of Xavier... (b) Xavier is going crazy... I think he is getting that bad hallucinogenic side effect from his test drug, he turned around!... Xavier just turned around with 2k to go!... and I think he is singing old Beatles hits... man o' man!.. (ph) man that Xene is really alert and riding sharp, he really is focused ... and now he's taken over the lead, who knew!... Best is sweating a lot now, and Xene just poached his water bottle and is drinking it... Best is unconsolable... with 1/2 km to go... it looks like Best will be second best on the day, Xene has taken it...(pl) first win for the Cat X's all year!... (b) what a race (pl) what a gem that's for sure with an X winning a stage for the first time this year and a Cat B placing second, the sun was shining on those two today... (ph)...whatever!

Post race interview with Best's Sportsbooky Team Director, Jimmy Sledgedriver- (ph) that was a great showing by Best, Sportsbooky's best finish by a rider this year. (js) yeah, I think now you are seeing that if we put our resources together, than we can compete with the best of the Chinese, Russian, and East German teams. Those countries really have doping down to a science... We really had some good stuff today, I am really proud of our doc's for coming up with a potent batch... we need to build on it to be competitive day in and out... just look at how Xene and Xavier came out of nowhere with completely inovative chemical enhancers... of course that smelly side effect really did it in for Xavier being used as a human punching bag... but its something that could be tweeked with for sure... (ph) aahh, yeah, um good to hear?!?

Happy 4th ery'one!